Changed
by Edward's-Glass-Rose
Summary: E/B: What if Edward was a player, because he was frustrated at love? What if he was abandoned at birth and his new adoptive mother is in the hospital with a malevolent brain tumor? And what happens when the new girl comes? Can she change him? All HUMAN!
1. New Girl

**Hey Everyone! It's been so long since I have been writing and I'VE BEEN DYING A SLOW AND PAINFUL DEATH!! I realized that even though writing makes me lose focus on school, it's necessary to keep me calm and content most of the time. Writing has become my whole life - and I could not live without being constantly at my computer, pouring new ideas onto the virtual paper. ;)**

**But anyways, I wrote a few chapters of the fanfic I was originally going to write - but then I got really really bored with it. And I realized that it's too Gemma Doyle Trilogy-ish. So I started a new one.**

**This fanfic started as an excersize for me - getting to know Edward more. Trying to get inside of his head, overall, trying to get inside the head of a boy. A player. So the whole thing is from Edward's perspective - how he feels about his life.**

**This fanfic is about Edward - a player - who is frustrated at love. His mom is in the hospital with a brain tumor, his older brother has a very severe case of autism, and he was abandoned at birth by his parents - he has been shuffled through adoption houses throughout his whole entire life until he was finally adopted by a rich family - the Cullens. Then, he meets a new girl, one who has just recently moved to Forks, Washington from Arizona. He takes an immediate interest in her, but can she change him from a player and a liar into an honest boy?**

**So...yeah. I think that once I finish this fanfic, I'm going to write it with different characters in a different setting so that it can be my own and maybe get published. ;) yay!**

**I hope you enjoy it!**

Chapter One: The New Girl

EPOV

I exited the cafeteria, my hand being held by my current girlfriend, Lauren. I couldn't even remember her last name. Partially because I sucked at remembering names. But also, that's just about how important she was to me at this moment.

Why was I dating her again? It seemed completely pointless. What the hell was I doing? Why? Oh yeah. Because I was the most desirable boy in this freaking school. So I got all of the girls. Including Lauren, unfortunately.

Sometimes this was good, and sometimes this was bad. I was a player, and a lot of times, I was dating two girls at once. Dating them for a week and then breaking up with them, not even giving a reason, except "It wasn't going to work out. Sorry."

All of the girls knew it too. They had all heard their friends' sob stories about me, about how they still loved me and they didn't understand why I had broken up with them, after such a short amount of time, with absolutely no explanation, whatsoever. But they still lined up, hoping to be chosen by me, wanting to date me anyways. It didn't matter what they heard or saw. I was Mr. Irresistible.

I had dated girls younger than me. Well, the hotter ones, anyways. Mostly, I had dated girls of my same year. Yet, I had dated many, a high number of girls who were older than me. When I was in the end of my sophomore year, I was dating the sister of my ex-girlfriend. She had come back to visit her family from the end of her freshman year in college. It was beginning to get ridiculous. And boring. They were all the same.

My adoptive siblings were not supportive of me. They loved me and would always love me, but they didn't understand why I did it. Why I used girls. Especially Alice. She absolutely hated me for it and called me a jerk on regular basis. I just blew it all off. I knew they would never understand me, why I was such a player. So what was the point of trying to explain myself?

I walked Lauren to her class while I was deep in thought, not really listening to her endless chatter. It was time to break up with her. I don't think I could stand her necessities any longer. Sure, she was hot. But she was just another girl. Just another girl.

It seemed as if they were lining up to date me. And it was true. I had dated, what, maybe thirty girls in the past two years? And Lauren has been my shortest relationship yet. They just keep getting shorter and shorter.

This was ridiculous. I opened my mouth to break up with Lauren. But then she leaned in and shoved her lips onto mine.

I was surprised at first, but I kissed her back, reluctantly. As soon as she started to get closer to me, I began to pull away. We stood there, keeping the kissing process of me pulling away and her pushing forward until the bell that began seventh period rang, and Lauren was basically on top of me. Damn it. We had only done that once, and it hadn't even been very good. Lauren, no matter how hot she was, with her sandy blonde hair, sucked in bed. And now, she was expecting me to be all over her or something.

She smiled at me, apparently satisfied with our kiss. I wasn't. It was the same as always. No difference. I was just bored.

She had no idea what was coming in her direction. Actually, she probably did know. She had heard all of the sob stories from her friends who I had already dated. She knew that I was going to break up with her sometime soon. And just as I opened my mouth once more, she ran into her classroom.

I stood there for a few minutes, and then I rushed off, walking quickly, to get to my next class, and also, to get as far away from Lauren as possible. Ugh. Biology. It was so boring. So easy of a subject. But required to pass high school and escape this horribly small town. To see the big lights of Chicago. New York City. Los Angeles. Paris, London, Dublin, Sydney…I could go on forever. Anywhere, really.

Anywhere was better than here. Forks, Washington. I was enclosed within the huge forests. They were beautiful, there was no argument about it. But they were making me claustrophobic. All I wanted was to escape this town. I hate it here. The constant downpour of rain. The always hiding sunlight. The cloudiness. The coldness.

I longed for the rest of the world. The sights I could see. The places I could visit. The people I could meet. The things I could do.

But I knew that I would end up never leaving here, in the end. Never going to college. I knew I would be the one to sacrifice my future, so that Rosalie, Emmett, Alice, and Jasper could escape this wretched town. I was the one who was going to have to stay back. To help Carlisle care for Esme. My adoptive mother.

Esme had a brain tumor and was permanently in the hospital until her death. She had been there for almost six months. And we all knew that she was dying. The tumor was malevolent. It was eating away at her brain, slowly removing her memories, her basic controls to run her life processes. It was horrible to watch.

Carlisle spent almost every night in the hospital, always sitting by her side. Esme. His beloved wife. My adoptive mother. And because Carlisle was a doctor, he was allowed to stay after visiting hours. Some nights, he didn't even come home. He would just sit there all night beside her bed, watching his love. Being there with Esme for what may be her last moments, as the tumor destroyed her being, from the inside out.

So I would give up my chance to leave so that I could help Carlisle deal with her slow process of dying. And I couldn't leave him. He had taken me in as one of his children, saving me from the adoption house in Seattle.

I never knew my parents. My mother died giving birth to me. And my father committed suicide after her death, distraught and in pain. He hadn't even thought of me. They had been truly in love. When I was little, I used to think of them as Romeo and Juliet. But where did I fit into the story? The forgotten child, the useless baby. I wasn't even added into the tragedy that was written by Shakespeare. It was so famous. But what happened to Romeo and Juliet's son? He was left behind. That was where I fit in. Where I belonged. Or where I didn't really belong at all. I was a mistake. An accident.

I entered my biology class, late. The teacher stared at me. I didn't even know his name anymore. It didn't seem to matter. Luckily, I could make my way out of almost any situation. Adults, as well as teenage girls, loved me. My so-called "innocence." And when my mother was diagnosed with her brain tumor, it just enhanced the feelings for me. It made me…I don't know…vulnerable. Even though I wasn't. I was strong enough to handle her death. I could endure it. I had to endure it. For my family.

"Late again, Mr. Cullen?" The teacher asked in a disproving tone.

"I'm very sorry sir," I said with respect, looking into his eyes, to show that I was truly sorry. Even though I wasn't. "I stayed behind to help Mrs. Parker, my Spanish teacher, erase the whiteboard. I'll be on time tomorrow, I promise." Lying came so easily to me now that I'd been doing it ever since my mother was diagnosed. Everything was fine, just fine. It was all lies. I said things like this just to please other people.

I could feel everyone's eyes on me. They all knew that I was lying. They had all seen me sucking face with Lauren in the hallway. But I knew that no one would betray my secret. They were all too afraid of me for that.

"Okay, Mr. Cullen. Just sit down." I walked to my seat in the back row. I didn't sit next to anyone, thank God. On the first day of this class, I deliberately came late just so that I would get the last seat.

Suddenly, a girl rushed into the classroom, her long brown hair in a flurry, mixed with papers and pencils. She looked at the teacher apologetically and gave him a slip of paper. Obviously, she was new.

I watched the teacher point across the room straight at me, to the only spot left. The one next to me. Damn it.

I stared at her as she walked up the aisle very slowly, wondering. She was very pretty, her deep chocolate brown eyes, her slender figure. A natural beauty.

Who was she? This beautiful angel? And how did I get all the luck in the world to have her sit next to me? All of these questions floated around in my head, aimlessly. Changing every few minutes. I was confused. And I was maybe just a bit freaked out.

But most of all, I was absolutely interested. Sort of…I don't really know. Oh, that was it. Dazzled. That was the word I was looking for. Dazzled. She dazzled me for a few minutes. But soon, I would be back. I would do my thing, and she would be going out with me, quicker than she could even say yes.

She was almost to the desk when she tripped over my backpack. She stumbled, and I stood quickly and caught her before she could fall, flat on her face. She straightened herself, blushing furiously. Everyone was staring at her. And also, they were staring at me, for catching her. I knew what they were thinking.

The girls were probably very jealous, thinking something along the lines of, _who the hell does she think she is? She just got here! She obviously doesn't know the rules of this school. Get in line, new girl. Edward is mine!_

And the boys were probably very envious, because I had been the one to catch her. _Damn him. He gets all of the hot girls. How does he do it?_

I smiled what I hoped was a dazzling smile at her and sat down, trying to make my eyes smolder. She sat down next to me, still blushing. Either from the fall, or from my smile. But then, she completely ignored me, resorting to doodling on her notebook.

Biology class continued. But all I could think about was this shy girl, who was doodling on her paper, not once even looking at me.

When the class was finally over, I realized that I was staring at her. She knew it, too. But I couldn't tear my gaze away, no matter how hard I tried.

"Hello?" she asked lightly, confused. She waved her hand over my face, cautiously, trying to wake me from my reverie.

"Wha…what?" I said, very stupidly. Good move, Edward. Always charming the ladies. But this girl was different, and I didn't know what it was. She was just amazing in her own way, so different from anyone else in Forks High.

"Are you okay?" she asked me, still a bit confused. Scared. What was she scared of? Rejection? But I was the one who was going to ask her out. And amused. She looked as if she might laugh at me.

"Oh…yeah," I said. What was wrong with me? Where did the ever-present charm go? And why was she so…irresistible? Her perfect beauty? An angel. And I was in heaven. There was no doubt about it.

"Okay," she said. God, she even had the voice of an angel. It was quiet, and it sounded like wind chimes gently blowing in a light breeze.

She fell down from the heavens, to come and haunt me. And then she walked off out of the biology classroom, as simple as could be, without a backwards glance. I was stunned. Stunned that she just walked off, without a final word, an attempt to gain my attention.

"Wait!" I called after her, but she was gone, around the corner of the hallway, off to her next class. "I don't even know your name," I mumbled under my breath.

I began to walk to my next class, language arts, thinking hard. About this new girl. About my mother. But mostly, about my life in general.

How could this possibly happen to me? I mean, I was _the player_. I got all of the girls, no matter who they were. All the girls in this small town wanted me to be attracted to them. To want them in return. And all the guys envied me. My reddish hair. My bright green eyes. They were the points of envy and attraction.

I had become so used to having everyone want me, or want to be me. It seemed as if I would get a new girl for about two weeks, and just as things were getting good, I would dump them. I don't know why I did it. I didn't really know any other way, I guess. This was just what I had become in my frustration. Frustration at love.

I don't know why I was frustrated. Perhaps it was that my father committed suicide after my mother died. Maybe it was that Carlisle and Esme were in love, but now Esme was dying in the hospital, and there was nothing we could do. Love had failed them all. And love had failed me. It was useless to believe.

It was a multiple of things I guess. Everything from my childhood. Being shuttled from adoption house to adoption house, without a home. Without a real family. Love didn't really exist for me. It was just a pawn. A tool.

I cheated. I lied. I had slept with so many girls, that I didn't even know who I had lost my virginity to. I think I might have lost my virginity to Whitney, one of the girls I had dated in sophomore year, but I could never be sure.

I think that she had bright red hair, or something. All I remember was that I woke up in the morning, and she was lying next to me. I had absolutely freaked out at that moment, afraid that Carlisle or Esme would come in and find me that morning. Every girl I had dated since sophomore year, I had slept with at least once. Sometimes more.

I had always been the odd one out. I mean, Rosalie had Emmett. And Alice had Jasper. My parents were happily married as well. They were all completely in love with one and other. And I was always…just…the loneliest one. Sure, I always had a girlfriend. Or was in the process of getting one. And I pretended to be happy. But it didn't matter. It was just day after day, week after week, month after month, girl after girl.

They all became the same. Same looks. Same clothes. Same needy personality, always requiring compliments. Gifts. Constant attention. It was all the same. I was stereotypical, and I know it. But what was the point? Was there ever going to be any variation in this horribly tiny town? No. Never.

And I was always going to be stuck here. Never leaving because of my status as the odd one out. It was like that game we used to play when we were little. Nose goes. And I was the one who always lost in this messed up system that was my family. So I would stay here. Supporting Carlisle through Esme's elongated process of death.

Of course, if I had asked Alice or someone to stay for me, they would have been absolutely gracious and said yes. But I knew that they were dying for the escape as much as I was. And I, being the odd one out would be the one staying. It was basically understood within my family. All of my siblings knew it. Carlisle knew it. I knew it.

It would always be the same girls who I grew up with. Most would go off to college, forgetting all about me – all about the jerk who dated them for a week and then broke up with them. Some would stay, and those were the ones I would probably end up with. Those were the girls like Lauren. I hated all of them. They were just all the same. There was no variation, no aspect of uniqueness that floated around them.

They all had their _Abercrombie and Fitch_ clothes, their expensive shoes, and their _Cover Girl_ makeup sets. They would go off into the world, imposing their similarity on all of the other guys who were interested in them. No difference.

This was not what I wanted to do with my life. I yearned to explore. To travel to exotic places. To learn about this fascinating world. And perhaps meet a girl who shared my same dreams, my same interests.

I have never met anyone who could perhaps fill this empty space in my life. I mean, Alice had Jasper, and Rosalie had Emmett. Carlisle had Esme, until she was gone. I was left out. The loner in the world of love.

This new girl…she was different. And I didn't know what it was about her that made her different from all of the other girls I had dated in the past few years. She was just…well…fascinating. She certainly had my interest.

Was it her looks? Her shy, solitary personality? Or was she bubblier, less shy once you got to know her? I doubted it. This girl was like me. A lone person. Someone who didn't fit in with everyone else.

Was I just imagining this? That this girl would be interested in me? No. I knew the answer. Of course she would be interested in me. But what was it about her that made her different from everyone else? Her mysterious presence?

Was it just maybe the fact that she was new here? That I hadn't grown up with her? Known her through all of her awkward stages: middle school? Elementary school?

I had no idea. All I knew was that I was Edward Anthony Masen Cullen. The player of Forks, Washington. And I enjoyed a good chase. This was the way my life ran. Chase girl, date girl, dump girl. Begin all over again. At least it filled all of the empty holes that had existed in me since I was abandoned.

This girl would be in my grasp in less than a day. A good, new chase. That was what I was going to get.

**So like it? Hate it? I kind of liked writing it - it was really fun! Anyways, I'm not going to update much, but I will update, I promise you! Just don't kill me over not updating for a while. ;)**

**Tell me if i should continue writing it! ;)**

**EdwardLover511 bye!**


	2. Lullaby

**Yay! I've finally updated! WOO HOO!! Applaud!!**

**Anyways, I really liked writing this chapter because it gave me a chance to expand on Edward's past, why he was adopted, and how that all affected him and everything. So I had lots of fun.**

**So, remember to review!! REVIEWS ARE LIKE DARK CHOCOLATE PEANUT M&MS!! I LOVE THEM AND THEY ARE LIKE ABSOLUTELY AMAZING AND NECESSARY!! So review!!**

**Love you all!**

**PS: Sorry it's a bit short. ;) Don't worry, chapter five is like 12 pages already, and I'm not even done yet. ;)**

Chapter Two: Lullaby

EPOV

The clique system in this school was very standard, but since it was such a small school, you knew everyone anyways so it didn't matter.

You had your generic popular kids; i.e. Lauren, Mike Newton (he bugs me to no end), Jessica Stanley (she gave up on me a while ago when I had basically turned her down at least fifteen or so times), Tyler (more annoying then all of the rest put together)…they were all so annoying. And they kind of pissed me off just a bit. There were the band geeks, the overachievers, the smart kids, the kids who think that they're cool but they're really not…I could go on forever. But my family and I never really fit anywhere.

We were always on the outside of things, sitting at our own table for lunch, not really talking to anybody besides each other. We were just…I don't know…different, I guess. Everyone else thought we were strange. Except for me. All of the girls didn't care if I was strange or not. They wanted to date me anyways.

Most students just kept us in mind when they were going to class. We existed outside the high school plane, on the edge of everything. Different. And everyone knew not to mess with us. That was the rumor anyways.

I think that most of the students were scared of my older brother, Emmett. That if you messed with anyone else who was in his family, he would beat them up for you. Really, he was just a big softie. He would really never hurt anyone. It was more of the intimidation factor that people were really scared of.

And the girls were scared of Rosalie. Because she was too beautiful, that they took a hit to their self esteems just by being in the same room as her. That one was kind of true. Rosalie would bite your head off if you got annoyed at her or got into an argument with her. She always won. Yet people were too afraid of her looks to actually figure this out for themselves.

People avoided me in the hallways, leaving me be. Yet even though we were outsiders, it was known that we ruled the school. People let us do whatever we wanted. The person who's locker was next to mine always let me go first. If I was second to the drinking fountain, I would get to go first. It wasn't a bullying thing, it was just understood.

We didn't enforce it or anything. I mean, what the hell did I care if I got a drink from the water fountain first? If I got to open my locker first? But that was just how everyone else was. They were afraid of us.

Why, though? Why would they be afraid of us? I understood why everyone was afraid of Emmett. He was huge, a giant. Star football player of Forks High. And Rosalie scared the girls by giving them a blow to their self image every time she walked into the room. Even if she didn't mean harm, which wasn't typical for Rosalie, but still.

Jasper could be seen as scary, as he always kept to himself, the "quiet," introverted person that he was. Never talking, never recognizing anyone else in this school besides Alice, Emmett, Rosalie, and myself.

But Alice…she was just happy to be alive. One of those naturally happy people, always optimistic no matter what the situation was. And I was the dangerous guy, the one all of the girls were in love with, or at least had crushes on.

So there was no reason for people to be scared of me – I was just me. Just Edward Cullen. And yet, these students shied away from us as if we were going to punish them or something. Absolutely ridiculous. It was some unwritten rule that just existed like all other rules – no running in the hallway, no chewing gum in class, etcetera, etcetera, etcetera. But unlike all other rules, this rule about my family was never broken.

It did have its advantages. I mean, when I wanted to be alone, which was most of the time, I was left alone by all other people except my own family. I was never bothered. Ever. And when I wanted a girl to be with me, if only for a few days, it would happen. It was just a part of me, a part of myself.

I walked through the empty hallway to my car. I was ditching eighth period and I didn't even care. Calculus. One of the easiest classes in the world. Honestly, I didn't understand why people had so much trouble with it.

I once was asked, by my teacher, to tutor a girl in calculus, in the beginning of the year. She was one of those girls who are really hot, but are also kind of stupid. Kind of like Lauren. I think that I ended up dating her, anyways. Then, when I broke up with her, I think that she dropped calculus. It wasn't like it was my fault of anything. Or maybe it was. Oh well. She was just another girl. What did she matter to me? That's right. Nothing.

Ugh. Calculus. It was so easy. Simple. And yet, still required for me to pass through high school. These requirements were beginning to get ridiculous.

What was the point, anyways? What did it matter that I got good grades? I wasn't going to be able to leave this stupid town anyways, so what was the purpose of basically killing myself over my grades in high school, if there was no future for me?

I sat in my car, and turned the battery on. I blasted the heat, because the car was freezing. Even though it was only October. Fall is just one of those months that sneak up on you, surprising you. Saying in the middle of what seems like summer, "Hey! Let's make snow! And then maybe some rain and some cold weather!"

Once my car was relatively warmed up, I put in a CD. Satie. I could already feel myself beginning to loosen up.

Don't laugh. Classical music calms me when I need to relax and clear my head. And that was just what it was doing at about this point.

Music has always been a strong point for me. Give me any instrument, and I'll most likely be able to play it for you. But my favorite part of music is the composing aspect. I love to compose pieces of music.

I compose songs randomly, when a melody comes into my head. Sometimes it happens during tests, sometimes during presentations. No matter what I'm doing, I'll go and write the notes down on a piece of paper or on the back of my hand.

Once, I remember giving a presentation on the similarities and differences between the book of _Genesis_ in the Bible, and another creation myth from Indian culture, in the ninth grade. A melody came into my head, and I had to stop in the middle of my presentation to write down the notes and rhythms that were playing through my mind. My teacher got so mad at me. I think that was the only presentation or test I had ever gotten less than an eighty percent on. You see, my teachers either love me or are in love with me. Normally, I can get any grade I want.

So, normally, if I had gotten a bad test grade, I can wiggle my way out of it, talking to the teacher after class. But that teacher saw me quit in the middle of my presentation to write down music, when clearly, language arts was much more important than my compositions. I remember hating that bitch of a teacher.

All I know about my dad was that he was a musician too. A mostly-failed musician, but still. I seem to have inherited his talents for composing.

My dad wrote one last song before he died. And this has been his most famous song. It is not very well known, and it was written as anonymous. But I know that he wrote it, because he left with me the music for it when I was just a baby.

I have folded that piece of paper up, and now it sits in my wallet, so that I can take it out whenever I need inspiration. I have never told anyone that my dad wrote this piece of music. It's my secret. The secret of my family.

The music…it is beautiful. The song is entitled _Lullaby_. I have had the words memorized since I was six years old. It goes like this:

_This lullaby is meant for you,_

_The abandoned child, the sad little boy,_

_I have written this song for you._

_Don't cry, I will always be here,_

_Watching over you from wherever I am._

_Making sure you stay safe._

_Seeing you do well,_

_Comforting you in times of sorrow_

_And celebrating with you in times of joy_

_I may be gone_

_But know that I will love you always._

_The little boy who never had anything._

_Goodnight, my son, my amazing angel._

_The abandoned boy, the sad child._

_I am so sorry._

_I know that I make mistakes,_

_And I know that you will never forgive me._

_Yet I must go on._

_Sleep my angel, my beautiful son._

_Goodnight._

_Forgive me._

I took out the CD of my favorite classical music, replacing it with this song. I listen to it, only when I need to. I don't like to make myself sad over something that was out of my control. My dad decided to end his life early, leaving me alone on this planet, in this world without a family, without a mother or a father.

Sometimes I think that it was horrible for him to do that to me. Sometimes, I hate him from every point of myself. But another part of me understands why he committed suicide. He did it for love. Something I am too guarded to actually feel.

And maybe that is his fault. Because he abandoned me, I never learned how to love. And now, Esme is in the hospital. All the people I have loved, or have come close to loving, are gone from this world. Esme. My dad.

This song gives me something to remember about him. I don't cry when I listen to it. The emotion I feel is something deeper than can be described by words. Too in depth, too unbearable to think about.

The music written by my father plays over the speaker in my car. I sit quietly, not wanting to disturb the song. The words come over the music, and I can hear him singing softly, his clear voice radiating from the speakers, the microphones, along with the piano composition. I could imagine him writing it, sounding out each and every chord, thinking of what he was about to do to himself, thinking of what he was about to do to me.

I lean back in my chair and concentrate on relaxing every point of my body. My hands clench into fists and then relax, just letting go. My feet. My arms. My legs. My neck. My mind. I let go of everything. Just listening.

I knew I could only relax like this for thirty minutes or so, as I had to drive the rest of my family home. Because Carlisle was rich, we all had expensive cars. Mine was a silver Volvo. The most conspicuous out of all of them. Rosalie had insisted on having a red BMW convertible, and Emmett had wanted a big, expensive Jeep. Alice had a yellow Porsche. So as you can see, my car was the easiest to ignore out of all of them.

Oh well. Even just a few more minutes of this would be heaven.

Somehow, even though I was in this position, ditching math and listening to the song written by my father, I was not completely relaxed. My mind was still whirring away. And right now, I felt as if I was being watched. Even if the person watching me wasn't even watching me. Like they were just there. I was no longer alone, somehow.

I looked out the window quickly, making sure that no one could see me here. My seat was reclined all the way, but still…

Suddenly, I saw a head of brown hair coming towards the parking lot. I knew that hair. Then, the face caught me off guard. The classic and sweet heart-shaped face, the long brown hair…but…it couldn't be! Didn't she have an eighth period class? Why did she have to haunt me in this way? And why was I so worked up about it? I was Edward Cullen for Christ's sake!

I saw her walk to a bright red truck; it looked like about fifty years old, which I assumed was hers. Another thing that added to the difference between her and the rest of the school. Between her and the rest of the girls I had ever met or dated, besides Alice and Rosalie. Besides the people in my family.

She climbed in, throwing her backpack onto the passenger seat, beside her. I watched through my windshield as she turned on the radio in the car and put the keys into the ignition.

For once, I saw a girl who I wanted to meet, to get to know, and I did not chase. I did not walk up to her, to ask her out, working with my charm.

I just watched as the big red truck started with a roar, and drove out of the parking lot. All I did was watch. See her drive off into the distance, to her new home. Someplace where I knew I would never truly be. The distance. It seemed so far away, as if I would never be able to get there, as if I will always be looking towards it, never being able go.

There was no way for me to reach it. To reach her.

**Okay, so I know that was a little bit dramatic at the end there, but I'm still trying to get used to writing from a guy's point of view. It's harder than it looks, you know! I actually interviewed my guy friend, trying to get his responses. They weren't very helpful, but it was an interesting experience!! **

**REVIEW!! I LOVE YOU ALL!! ;)**


	3. Jasper

**HEY ALL YOU PEOPLE!! HEY ALL YOU PEOPLE!! HEY ALL YOU PEOPLE WON'T YOU LISTEN TO ME?? THIS IS THE BEST SANDWICH, IT'S NO ORDINARY SANDWICH, IT'S A SANDWICH MADE OF JELLYFISH JEELLLYYY!! OH YOU'VE GOT TO TRY THIS SANDWICH!!**

**sorry, always inserting those spongebob references ;) (that's the one where krabs goes crazed with jellyfish and the blue jellyfish is like OOH YOU CANT CATCH ME!!) heeheee ;)**

**anyways, here's chapter threee!1!! And I loved all of your reviews!! YAYAYAYA!! That's sooo exciting!! And I'M SORRY THAT EDWARD IS SO ANGSTY!! it's so hard to write from a guy's perspective when you're a girl... ;) but fun! it's a really good exercise and really fun to do. i don't know why, but i think its AMAZING TO TRY AND THINK LIKE A GUY!! ;)**

**so review! yay candy!!**

Chapter Three: Jasper

EPOV

The song kept replaying in the CD player. Kept going on and on. Kept repeating. I didn't have the energy to get up and change it. Or maybe I just wanted the support and comfort that came from his soft voice, the chords on the piano.

My father's voice filled the silence with the soft, meaningful words, the rich chords that were pounded onto the piano. I could picture him playing this song in the recording studio right now. Thinking about what he was about to do.

I tried to fall asleep, but I just couldn't. When I was little, I used to listen to this song every night, hearing the voice and poem of my father. It comforted me in the adoption houses, placing light and warmth into my life. Giving me something to live for, something to trust without regret. Something to believe in.

Now, when I listen to this song, it keeps me awake. It keeps my mind going, keeps me continuously thinking about him. About my father. How he would be so disappointed in me for the way I played girls. It was an unsettling thought. He would be so frustrated with me. But that was better than no feelings at all.

I remember when I was little; the worst punishment would be the disappointment in me, the frustration. The worst punishment would be when they were silent, not voicing their horror at what I had done. It was terrible and it would make me feel so horrible on the inside. It was the most effective form of punishment.

Suddenly, the school bell rang, awakening me from my thoughts, from my reverie. From my everlasting daydream. I could hear the bustle inside of the tiny school, even from my car, with all of the doors and windows shut.

The front doors to the school opened and people poured out, excited to be away from the continuous learning, the endless lectures.

Then, I saw the faces of my family come out of the crowd, walking towards me slowly, escaping the torture house that is school.

Rosalie and Emmett were in an argument, a heated discussion that was apparently making Emmett very annoyed.

Alice was talking, continuously chattering, while Jasper looked sad, keeping to himself. He isn't necessarily sad, but Jasper is such a quiet person that people think that he's like an emo kid or something.

He's really not. Jasper has autism, a mental disorder where you have some troubles connecting what you want to say, to what you actually say. No one knows this besides us and a couple of his teachers.

I wasn't living with this family when they found out. But from what I heard, the story goes like this.

When Jasper was really little, he seemed fine. Then, when he reached about two, and he couldn't really talk yet, Carlisle and Esme took him to see a doctor. They ran a bunch of tests that would hopefully show what was wrong with him.

Apparently, Jasper's autism is very severe. Like on a 1-10 scale, it would be a nine or a ten. It was really hard for Carlisle and Esme when they found out.

When he was little, it was the worst. He would have these tantrums and no one would know what he wanted to say or what he wanted to do. He was put on a diet that was supposedly supposed to help him with controlling his tantrums.

It did help, and now he is much better. Actually, it's both better and worse. He doesn't have the tantrums anymore. Those stopped once Carlisle and Esme adopted Alice. Alice and Jasper became instant friends. And then it moved past friends, to being in love with one another when they were probably like fifteen or something.

Now, Jasper just keeps quiet most of the time. Alice does all of his talking for him. Jasper and Alice have this intimate bond, an unexplainable connection. It is something that is beyond words. Literally.

It is really hard to understand this unless you actually know us. Our family. Most of the time, Jasper does the thinking and Alice does the talking. It's just the way our family works, the way we function best.

Emmett and Rosalie do love each other deeply, but they show it differently than Alice and Jasper do. Most of the time, they're fighting and then one kiss, one touch just fixes everything, as if they had never been fighting at all.

They all climb into the car, Emmett getting into the passenger side, Rosalie, Alice, and Jasper getting into the back.

"Ditching, Eddie?" Emmett asked. I glare at him.

"Don't call me Eddie," I say. Emmett laughed at me. I hate him when he gets like this. He can be so annoying.

"You sound a bit constipated," Emmett said. Daggers are literally coming out of my eyes at this point.

"Shut it, Emmett," Alice said. "Stop being such an asshole."

"Ooh, I'm so terrified," Emmett says in a high pitched voice. He really is an asshole. I really can't see why Rosalie loves him so much.

"And yes, I was ditching, thank you very much. Like any of my teachers actually give a damn if I'm there or not."

"Edward, you really shouldn't ditch," Alice says.

"Alice," I say in a reproving tone. She stops talking. She knows there's no way to reason with me on this issue.

"What class…did you…d…ditch?" Jasper asks. This is what he sounds like when he tries to talk. It comes out of his mouth quickly and quietly, almost inaudible.

"Just calculus," I respond, easily answering Jasper's question that took so much effort for him to say.

"Oh," he replies quietly. Through my peripheral vision, I see Alice stroke his thigh gently, comforting him with such simple movements.

I put the car into reverse and back out of the space quickly. Someone honks their horn at me, but I don't care. I am Edward Cullen. What does it matter? They're never actually going to stand up to me.

"Geez Edward," Rosalie criticizes my swift movements.

"Shut it," I say back.

"Now now," Emmett says, like he's Esme or something. The car goes quiet, except for the CD, which I realize is still playing. Shit.

"What the hell is this song?" Emmett asks. He doesn't know.

"I don't know…" I mumble, taking the CD out of the player and placing it back into its case, very quickly. I put in another CD, one that will appease Emmett.

"This is more like it," Emmett says. I nod, trying to concentrate on my driving. The car goes quiet again, the music silencing us all. I look into my rearview mirror, looking at the back. Rosalie is staring at her reflection in the window. I can already imagine what she's thinking. Jasper has his head in his hands like he's carsick or something.

It begins to rain suddenly. There was no warning except for the droplets that are now appearing on the windshield.

Alice strokes Jasper's back, comforting him.

"Jasper," I say. He looks up at me, his face is pale and his lips are a sort of red-blue color. "Please don't get sick in my car." I give him a pleading look.

"I'm…t…trying," he responds quietly, then shutting his mouth quickly. But I already saw the spit that was quickly being made within his mouth. He is sweating slightly. Oh, crap. He's going to get sick. I step on the pedal, generating more speed from the car. I am now going at least fifteen miles over the speed limit.

"Alice," I say quickly, trying to concentrate on getting home as quickly as possible.

"Yeah?" she asks, still rubbing Jasper's back, giving him sort of a mini-massage. I pray that it helps.

"If he looks like he's about to barf, tell me, and I'll pull over," I say. She nods quickly. "Here," I say, handing her one of those big plastic cups from Wendy's.

"Thanks," she says, handing the cup to Jasper, who pinches his nose and puts his mouth into the cup, breathing heavily.

Emmett rolls down his window, letting fresh air get into the car. The pounding, freezing rain hits my face, clearing my thoughts of Jasper getting sick, of my family. All I can think about is the beautiful new girl.

I start thinking about her. I didn't even know her name. I really hadn't thought to ask at the moment when I could have. Geez, I was so lost and stupid at that point, I don't think I could have asked her.

I started to make a plan of action inside of my brain. It was pretty simple, very easily remembered.

I would start by talking to her during biology, getting to know her better. Flattering her with my compliments, giving her heart flutters with my smoldering eyes. That would get her interested in me, maybe even get her to like me. Then, at the end of the class, I would ask her to go get dinner with me, that night. She would obviously say yes. Plan of action completed. She would be my girlfriend in a little over twenty-four hours.

It was perfect. And it would work. I knew it would. There was no way that it couldn't work. She was a girl. And I was Edward Cullen.

Her face plastered itself in my mind. I looked at the picture, seeing her deep, chocolate brown eyes, her long, light brown hair. Her delicate figure, her porcelain features. Her pale, warm skin, and the way she blushed so very easily when I caught her after she tripped and almost fell. She truly was beautiful.

I could tell that her face was bare, no makeup used at all. That only added to her ethereal beauty. She didn't need to enhance her looks at all to make herself beautiful. She was perfect, the perfect girl for me.

I started thinking about Lauren then. I would have to break up with her first. That was easy enough. I wouldn't even call her, saving myself the tears. I would just IM her on Facebook, or text her, later tonight. Another very simple thing to do. Break up with Lauren, gain the new girl. So easily accomplished.

Sure, it was mean. But she didn't really matter to me anymore. Lauren was now just another girl that would be dumped by me. She could add her sob story to all of the others that existed within the social system of our school. People wouldn't even give it a second thought. They wouldn't even give a damn. It was just another day. Just another week. Just another girl.

If anything, the guys would be glad that I had dumped her. They could give her the shoulder to cry on. They would comfort her, and she would eventually fall for them. The other boys in the school got my leftovers. They got the girls that I was already done with. The girls that I had already dated, already dumped. Already discarded.

It was like a game to me. Get girl, date girl, sleep with girl, date girl some more, then finally, dump the girl. It happened every time. This time would be no different. This was what would happen with the new girl.

"Edward," Alice said hurriedly, awakening me. My mind was suddenly solely focused on the problem at hand.

"Shit," I muttered, pulling off to the side of the road very quickly. We were so close to being home. I unlock the car doors quickly. Alice shoves Jasper out of the door. He runs out into the grass on the side of the road, nearing the endless forest that branches off from there, that branches off from the highway.

Alice runs after him. She reaches him and he throws up into the grass. It is still raining. Alice and Jasper are getting soaked. Damn it. That means that the inside of my car will get wet too. Which means that I'll have to clean it later.

Jasper heaves again and more barf comes out of his mouth. Alice hands him a water bottle that she had intelligently grabbed from Rosalie's backpack. Jasper takes a sip and spits into the grass quickly, trying to expel all of the crap from his mouth, getting rid of the taste. I can imagine it. It tastes disgusting. You know, that cottony feeling that you get in your mouth. That makes it feel all dry and gross.

Alice then hands Jasper a tissue to wipe his mouth with. Once again, she had intelligently grabbed it from Jasper's own backpack.

They start walking back to the car. Neither Rosalie nor Emmett have moved even an inch. I had gotten out of the car, leaning on the side, watching them, getting soaked in the rain myself. Oh well. I was already going to have to clean the car anyways.

Jasper stumbles, almost as if he is going to throw up again. And Alice catches him before he falls. Jasper gives her a thankful look. Alice grabs his hand, squeezing it gently. They start walking again.

They are a perfect couple. They would both do anything for the other. Alice and Jasper would both give their own lives to save the other.

Once they reach the car, Alice slides in first, getting in next to Rosalie. "Emmett," I say to him. He looks up at me.

"Yeah?" he asks, confused.

"Do you want to get in the back, so that Jasper can get in the front and get more air flow, so that he doesn't get sick again?" I ask quickly.

Emmett sighs, annoyed. But he gets out of the car and slides into the back, next to Alice. Jasper gets into the passenger seat next to me.

"Feel better?" I say to Jasper. He nods, getting out of actually saying anything. He does this a lot, so that he doesn't have to talk. He has resorted to this, so that he won't have to demonstrate his autism again and again.

It's just another thing that you get used to when you live with him. If you ask a yes or no question, he'll either nod or shake his head. Sometimes, he'll shrug if he doesn't really know the answer. You become accustomed to it. If he actually gives an audible answer, it is a really strange experience.

Hopefully and apparently his car sickness is mostly gone. It must have been one of those things where once you throw up, you feel instantly better. It was probably from the pounding rain and the darkness of the sky. The staleness of the car.

"Thanks," Jasper mumbles to me, looking me in the eyes. Wow. That was weird. Jasper never looks anyone in the eyes, unless it's Alice or Carlisle. Or Esme, if she's actually awake enough, conscious enough, to look someone straight in the eye.

"Don't mention it," I respond quickly, kind of a bit uneasily. "Just don't get sick again. Please." I say, staring back at him, maybe trying to psych him out or something. I don't really know what I was trying to do. Perhaps I was trying to get him back to normal. The way things are supposed to be.

Of course, I'm very happy that maybe the level of severity of his autism is slightly lowering. This was a good thing. But it was just different, you know? Change. "I'm begging you," I say to him, smiling slightly. "Don't throw up or get sick in my car. Okay?" Jasper smiles cautiously and continues to stare at me.

"I won't," Jasper promises, without stuttering once. This also scares me a bit. Jasper is giving answers. That was a yes or no question. And he actually answered.

I step on the gas again, maybe a little harder than usual. To tell the truth, this was kind of scary for me. There was a way our family was supposed to be. The way that our family functioned best. I could feel that change was coming.

It's the simple, small things that indicate major change that's to come. Like Jasper talking. Something is going to happen. I don't know whether it will be good or bad, but it is going to happen. Soon.

The car roars beneath us, and we drive off, down the road toward our home.

**So like it? hate it? do you think i overdid the autism thing? my cousin is SEVERELY autistic and so i was sort of going off him, but he's only seven, so i guess it would be different...but give me reviews! what did you think??**

**LOVE YOU ALL!! CANDY IS AMAZING, REMEMBER THAT!! ;)**


	4. Facebook

**HEY EVERYBODY!!! I'm sooooo sory for not updating for a long time, but it's hell week (technical week) at my high school for musical and i'm at school for sixteen hours a day... yuck...so i haven't had much time to update or write!!! :(**

**but here ist eh next chapter, and remember to review!!! :)**

Chapter Four: Facebook

EPOV

We reached home. Emmett was already out of the car when I pulled into the driveway. I hadn't even taken the keys out of the ignition yet. I guess he really was crammed back there. I almost laughed, then thought better of it.

It was too cold to laugh. You know those days that are just miserable, that laughing would be a crime? Yeah, today was one of those days. Just a boring, rainy day in a boring little town in my boring insignificant life.

I grabbed my black bookbag out of the trunk and locked the car. Everyone else was already inside of our house, Alice leaving the door slightly open for me, for when I decide to come in. It was still pouring down rain. I was going to get absolutely soaked from the endless rain of Forks, Washington. Again.

I checked the damage to the back of the car through the wet window. Good. It didn't look that wet. And there was no barf that I could see. Jasper had gotten all out when we pulled over. This was very, very good.

Maybe it wasn't such a bad ending to a terrible, boring day after all. Esme used to say that you just had bad moments. There were no such things as actual bad _days_. Until she was diagnosed with her brain tumor, I believed her. But it has been one long bad day since that moment and I wish it would just end, sending me into the night.

I walked into the house, exhausted. Jasper was lying on the couch, looking up at the ceiling, his hands behind his head. He was obviously deep in thought. I tried to be quiet as I dropped my heavy backpack onto the floor, still a bit violently, and kicked off my gym shoes. I threw my raincoat onto the pile of other discarded coats that belonged to the rest of my family.

I walked into the kitchen, dragging my feet beneath me. Emmett was getting a clean bowl out of the dishwasher and the box of Capt'n Crunch Berries cereal from out of the cabinet next to the microwave, and Rosalie was sitting on the counter, watching him, her face amused probably at his choice of cereal.

I grabbed a bottle of lemonade-flavored Vitamin Water out of the stainless steel refrigerator, unscrewing the lid, again, a bit violently, and accidentally spilling about a quarter of it onto the spotless hardwood floor.

"Damn it," I cussed as I grabbed a dishtowel. Emmett laughed, watching my pitiful attempt at cleaning the kitchen floor.

"Shut up, Emmett," I growled violently. This just made him laugh harder. I threw the dishtowel at him. Unfortunately, he's the star football player of Forks High School. So he caught it easily, throwing it into the sink.

"Nice try, little brother," he said as he shoved more cereal into his mouth. "Try to give it more…oomph next time." I ignored him, taking a swig from the plastic bottle and walked with the half-empty, sticky Vitamin Water bottle in my hands, up the marble wide staircase onto the second floor, and finally, into my room.

I opened the door and went immediately to the piano, placing the bottle of Vitamin Water onto the floor beside me. I had a composition in my head and I needed to get it out. The piano is my safe house – whether I'm angry or sad, happy or joyful, pensive or just plain bored. I always return to the piano.

I guess it reminds me of my father. Of his failed musicianship. Of my past, my genes, who I am. The piano is the largest symbol of my life.

I don't play it because I have to, like many other students I have heard of, or because I necessarily want to. It is pure and simple – the piano is a need of mine. I couldn't imagine life without this constant music, even if I tried. The piano is just who I am.

The piano represents me the best – my personality, my thoughts, just the way I must live, must survive. It is always the piano, the music. Someone once told me that a life without music is no life at all. This statement is absolutely true. There is no doubt about it. This statement encompasses my life perfectly.

I first open the lid of the giant and black grand piano that takes up much of the floor space in my room. I am very obsessive over my piano, making sure it is clean and dusted at all times. I get it tuned by a professional probably once every two months, so that it always will have the sound quality that I need it to have for my compositions.

Everyone in my family knows not to touch my piano. Or else they will get an earful. The piano is sacred. And music is like the bible to me. I live by music. I live through music. Music is the true law of living a full and happy life. Without music, I don't know what I would live for. It provides me with feeling, with purpose.

I sit down on the hard, familiar bench and place my fingers upon the clean ivory keys. And then the music begins to flow, coming out of my soul and onto the piano.

Writing a song is a whole new experience, if you've never done it before. It is a lot like writing a novel or a poem. Sometimes, it just comes out of you, with no effort at all. And sometimes it is a lot of work, kind of like with writer's block and everything. A lot of it depends on your mood. Especially the final product.

A lot of times, when I'm sad or angry, the music tends to have that sort of tone. When I'm happy, it comes out happy. When I'm sad, it comes out sad. But there is always contrast, no matter what mood I'm in. If it is a happy piece, it will always have a bridge that sounds sort of sad, adding doubt to the piece. If it is a sad piece, there is always something in the middle that is full of wonder, full of hope for the future of the piece. Even if it ends up sad in the end, there is always that glimmer of hope, that one part that is full of happiness.

When I am composing, I have to always monitor how much I have played. Because if I play through the whole thing and then go back and try to write it, I have found that it is much harder than if I know what I'm going to play, and then stop in intervals in the middle, so I can write down what I have just played.

But this time, I just let the music come. It is a long and beautiful piece, in the key of A, yet it changes into B-flat in the middle of the piece, getting louder and louder, until it decrescendos into a quiet ending, in minor.

I don't really know why this piece came out into music. I mean, I'm not really in a specific mood right now. I guess I just wrote it for the sake of writing it. Just because I needed it right now. Because I needed something to keep my mind busy, to keep my mind off of everything that is going on in my life with Esme and Jasper and the new girl.

Now, I begin to write it down, remembering the specific notes and chords that are essential to the piece. If you take out a chord, or even one single note, the whole thing won't work as well as it would if that chord was there.

This occupies me for the next three hours and finally, when I am finished, I glance at the clock, hesitantly. It is about six thirty in the evening. The rain is still falling from the sky, I can hear it pounding against the glass door that leads to the balcony outside of my room, where I go and think. Where I go to just be alone, separate from all of the events and people that tie me down into this life. Carlisle. Jasper. Esme.

I play through the piece one last time and then place the music I have just written into the storage space beneath the bench of the piano. I close the lid of the grand piano, very carefully, making sure not to drop it.

I walk over to my laptop, opening it and typing in my password. While I wait for it to log me on, I turn on my iPod and place it into the iHome that sits beside my computer. Music is my life, and it is constantly playing in my head, or in the air around me. I cannot do homework unless it is to music, and I cannot go to sleep unless music is playing in the background. I just depend on it. To always be there for me and comfort me when I need it.

I open the internet browser and log onto my email account. There are thirty inbox messages. Most of them are from Lauren. Ugh. I can't think about her right now. Not when I'm about to break up with her.

I delete all of the messages from Lauren, taking my time to highlight and delete every single one. When I'm finally done, I open one from Alice. It states:

_Hey Edward. Dinner's ready if you want to come down. We know you're composing, but if you finish soon, join us!_

_Alice ;)_

I send off a quick reply, saying that I'm not very hungry right now. Then, I open the second tab on my browser and long into Facebook.

Facebook is addicting. There is no doubt about it. It is like a drug, a necessity, for one to actually have a life outside of school. You can talk to your friends, update your profile, take quizzes, and play games. How I actually get homework done is a mystery to me. Not when Facebook just draws you in and doesn't let you go.

Lauren is logged on too. Good. This will be very simple and short. I click on her name in the little "friends" button that starts up a chat.

_Hey,_ I type quickly.

_Edward!_ I can almost imagine her squealing when she replies to my simple comment of "hey." She's just so…Lauren. Too superficial and superfluous. I don't even know why I asked her out in the first place except for the fact that she was really hot. And I hadn't gone out with her before. And she was all too eager.

_Lauren, I'm sorry, but I don't really think that things are working between us,_ I send off, typing quickly. She doesn't respond right away. She must be reading the message over and over again, trying to get a hidden meaning out of it.

_What?_ She types back to me.

_I wanna break up,_ I type back, no pity or forgiveness in my heart. This is the routine. Date girl, dump girl. Week after week, month after month. Year after year. I am so used to it right now, that it doesn't even bother me anymore. It's just another part of my boring, meaningless life.

_Why?_ She asks. I bet she's in tears right now. The first time I did this, it made me feel horrible. But now, I'm just used to it.

_Cuz it's just not working,_ I type and send. And then I immediately close the chat window, leaving her to her confusion and tears.

I sit there for a few minutes, making sure that she won't respond, devastated, and thinking that I was just kidding or something. Because I wasn't. Then, when she didn't reply to my messages, I suddenly had an idea.

Acting on impulse, I click the link for the Forks High School page, trying to find the listings of all of the students who have a Facebook. I finally reach the page and look through all the pictures of the students, looking for their profiles.

There are fifteen students per page and there are twenty-four pages. They are in alphabetical order, not separated by gender. As I look through the first twenty pages, I do not find who I am actually looking for. This has been a gigantic waste of time. She probably doesn't even have a Facebook. She doesn't seem like the kind of girl who would even have high-speed internet. This was so stupid of me, to expect her to have a Facebook.

Then, after twenty minutes of searching, on the twenty-first page, I find her picture. Finally. I look over to her name. It is Bella Swan.

Oh, god, what a beautiful name. It is musical, just like her angelic wind chime voice. Bella Swan. It's probably short for Isabella. Isabella Swan. It is elegant, beautiful, wonderful, majestic, and shy all in one. It is her. It represents her.

I click on her name, trying to get to her profile. Apparently, she has her privacy settings set so that you have to be her friend to see her profile and pictures and info and everything. Oh well. This means I can't chat with her either.

I sit for a second, mulling over my possibilities. I finally choose one. So I turn off Facebook, and shut down my computer, not even clicking the button and requesting her as a friend. Not even trying to get closer to her, to get her to be somewhat interested in me.

There is something different about this girl, and I don't really know what it is. She just is a different person, someone who doesn't go with the crowd. She seems shy, more introverted. Someone like me. Or my family. She seems…well just different. Not really fitting into the regular flow of high school.

She is Isabella Swan. And I have no idea what the hell that means. It just is what it is. The new girl, the new person in Forks High.

I push her from my mind, concentrating on every single button on the keyboard of my computer. Keeping my mind busy so that I won't think about her. I can't think about her right now. It is impossible.

I slowly walk across the thick, expensive carpet of my room, feeling the softness of the cream colored carpet beneath my feet. Once I reach the piano, I grab the almost-empty Vitamin Water bottle off of the floor, taking one last drink of the lemonade before I throw it into the trash can that rests beside my door.

I can hear the dinner conversations downstairs. Emmett, Rosalie, Alice, and Jasper. Carlisle, in spirit. The faces of my family, the people who I can trust most. Even within my family, who are already people on the outside of normal society, I am still on the fringe, on the edge of everything. It's just who I am, where I need to be.

I could decide to go down there, join into the conversation as if I had never been gone. As if Carlisle were home and Esme was out of the hospital, the way it used to be. The way my family was. Before everything happened that changed my whole life. My whole future. Just one small thing can alter your whole perception of reality, can alter your whole life – your goals, your motives, what you live for.

The other option that I could choose is to stay up here and continue to cower in my room as I have been doing for the past year or so. It is the easiest option. The most simple. Hiding from my family. I can be by myself and finish my homework. Or maybe I could just go to bed, as I haven't been sleeping very well lately.

But I am somewhat tired of hiding out in my room. Of living by myself. Sometimes, I need support. And that is what I need from my family right now. Support. But I don't know how much support there actually is left to give to me. I don't know how it is possible, when so much of our efforts, thoughts, and time are put towards Carlisle and Esme right now.

I place my hand on the silver doorknob, still deciding. Still trying to think about what would be the best choice. To benefit myself.

And, like the coward that I am, I walk back into my room, closing my door behind me, blocking myself off from the rest of my family, from the comfort and support that I need right now. I can handle this by myself. I don't need my family.

But I know, deep down, that I do need my family. Yet, I don't want to put any more burden on them right now. Not when we're all dealing with Esme's slow and painful death and Carlisle's denial of her tumor.

So I know that even if I can't, I will handle this. Even though I desperately need someone to talk to. Even though I am horribly confused right now. Confused about everything that is happening in my life. Confused about my past, about Esme and Carlisle, and finally, and most importantly, confused about myself. Confused on what the hell I am doing, what I am bringing my life to. What I am creating my life to be.

I know that if I try to talk to somebody in my family, they would listen to me. They would help me to comprehend what is going on right now, they would help me to get over my fears of comfort and love from other people. They would understand and support me in my time of need. But I don't know if I can do that. If I can actually ask for the help that I truly need.

I could go downstairs right now and bring it up. And all of them – Emmett, Rosalie, Jasper, and Alice – would listen. They would understand me because they were feeling the same things right now. But the fact is, they wouldn't understand completely. Because they all have true love in their lives. They all have each other. And I am the outcast, the one without another to confide in, without another to love and to trust with my whole heart.

Sometimes I think that I didn't abandon love. That love has abandoned me. With Esme in the hospital and Carlisle sitting by her bedside every night, with my father committing suicide after my mother died giving birth to me, with the hundreds of girls that I have dated or thought about dating, I feel hopeless. Helpless. As if there is nothing anymore that can be done for me.

The sad little boy that was never loved, never comforted. Just like my the song that my dad wrote states. The abandoned one. The one who will never find meaning in his life. That is me. That will be me forever. I guess there was truth to the lyrics after all. My father knew what he was doing to himself, what he was doing to me. The little boy who will always be searching, always be looking for something he will never find.

I turn off my light and hide beneath the blankets that rest on my king-sized bed, just like what I am doing in real life. Hiding myself, keeping myself from anyone's comfort and help. Hiding from the support, from my family. Hiding from love.

So I try desperately to fall asleep, to ignore the painful feelings of guilt and rejection in the pit of my stomach, yet I lie awake for what seems like the whole night long. And even if I do sleep, I know I will not get any rest.

**heehee i liked this chapter - edward kind of realizes that maybe he shouldn't treat bella the same way he treats any other girl...yay! his first event of characterization!!! :)**

**remember, review!!!!!! YAY!!! :)**


	5. Authors Note

**Hey everybody!!! I'm sooo sorry that I haven't updated at all...I've had major writers block and also I've been writing a new story (MY OWN THIS TIME!!!) and right now, it's on . The link is: .com/s/2602671/1/The_Depth_of_Love **

**Right now it's just the prologue, WHICH DOESN'T REVEAL ANYTHING, but I'm adding chapter one right now!! **

**It's about mermaids...**giggle** :) you should go check it out and read it!!! :) yay!! **

**I love you all!!**

**Ella :)**

**PS: I won't be updating this story for a while. :( sorry... :( but I really want to focus on this new idea for the moment, to see if I can actually write something that's my own - that BELONGS to me!!! :) yay!!! **


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